Death Cleaning

never mix bleach with ammonia, who knew?

poisonous gas

You’ve probably heard of Swedish Death Cleaning. Swedes, always smarter than the rest of us, have long known that they need to declutter before they die so they don’t leave a mess behind.

This is another version, which I’ll simply call Death Cleaning.

The weather is warming up here in northern New Mexico, which means sunny skies, leaving the house without a jacket, spring skiing, and these tiny little adobe bugs that enter my house through the screens on the window and under door sills. Their dead little bodies pile up in front of my door and beneath my closed windows. At night, when I’m in bed they crawl on me. When I’m writing, they inch across the screen. They can fly. When you crush them, a stink arises…

So this morning I vacuumed them all up, vacuumed every inch of my 1200 square home, and then mopped. I wanted to mop the floors before I sprayed bug spray. I used to hire people to professionally spray the house. To save money, I decided to clean with ammonia instead of paying for PineSol.

Today, feeling extra-motivated, I filled a bucket with four gallons of water and poured in about two cups of ammonia. As an extra measure, I added two cups of bleach. I started mopping.

The smell was POWERFUL. Immediately, Yoyo started to sneeze. I opened the door to let her outside, closing it quickly so the bugs wouldn’t get in. Me, I’m tough; I kept mopping. My eyes burned. I started coughing. It became difficult to breath. I stepped out to the courtyard with Yoyo for a minute, to get fresh air. She was still sneezing. Determined to finish the mopping, I went back in the house and mopped some more with my shirt covering my face. I kept running outside again to breathe. I was coughing, coughing, coughing, and my eyes were watering. I ran back inside, grabbed the mop, and yes, finished mopping. By this time, I realized that time was of the essence, but still I staggered to the window to open it. The bugs would come in through the screen of the open window, but…

I made it outside. I got in the car with Yoyo and opened all the windows.

We were going to meet my friend Eileen for coffee, but when I got in the parking lot, I called her and asked her to buy me a coffee a come outside. I needed air. While I was waiting, I called Poison Control.

A nice woman on the phone said that by mixing ammonia and bleach, I had created chloramine gas, which is poison.

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“Your face is red,” Eileen said. “Let me take you to the ER.” I opened the door and leaned out, coughing like crazy.

“I’m okay,” I said.

“I know,” she said. “That’s what I would say, but I want to take you to the hospital.”

I took my shirt off because it smelled of the gas, but when I tossed it in the back seat, Yoyo began to snuffle and sneeze, so I went around to the back of the car, wearing jeans and my blue bra, and stuffed the shirt under camping gear. Eileen got a jacket from her car, and I put it on.

Finally, I let her take me to ER. Oxygen, EKG, blood pressure were measured in triage, and I was okay.

“I’m sorry you had to take me here,” I told Eileen.

“Don’t be sorry,” she said. “What if I’m having fun?” I laughed and coughed.

She’s a good friend. A great friend.

I’m home now. I took a hot shower and washed Yoyo.

I called another friend who made me laugh and cough. “You knew that you can’t mix ammonia and bleach,” I said. “Why didn’t I know that?”

The bugs are gone for now.

Whatever I start, I am driven to finish. I guess that’s how I finish books.