Faking Gratitude

a hag's half-full glass

Photo by Joseph Corl on Unsplash

I am not feeling grateful at this moment. I’m feeling the opposite of gratitude. A person whom I will not name has not even rinsed a plate. There is a pot of dried spaghetti on the counter. This same person has not even thrown a sock in one of the two hampers I put in their area, not even after I washed, dried, and folded all of their clothing. This person left their dog I’m house-training in the crate too long —

I know, I know–– what would Jesus do?

Jesus had a whip, you know. I saw it in an illustration in my Bible. He was lashing the congregation. His blonde hair was still neatly brushed, but his blue eyes blazed.

You see the dead end where this is going, so what am I grateful for? My paying subscribers, first of all. Then my free subscribers. The fact that my limbs are not broken and I still have hair on my head. On my face too, around the chin area where these post-menopause hairs, long, wiry, and gray, like to grow. Yep, plenty of hair.

I am also grateful that I don’t live with Donald Trump. He’s not even my neighbor. How lucky is that!!!!

I’m grateful that although this poor dog had to sit in his shit, he still wants me to pet him. I’m grateful for Grammarly, which I discovered late in life, like last week, because until then I thought I was too smart to have some program suggest changes to my brilliant sentences. I’m grateful for this newfound humility, which comes as a package deal with the chin hairs, belly fat, poor eyesight, and deafness. Grammarly just taught. me how to spell Grammarly!

I’m grateful for my car that allows me to speed away from unpleasant situations. I’m grateful that it looks like 378 other cars in Taos so I could rob a bank if I had to and get away. I’m grateful that I’m short because that is also useful when the police are looking for you in a crowd.

I’m grateful that I don’t have to wear adult diapers because I could never afford them. I’m grateful that I finally, six months ago, gave myself permission. To write. Sentence fragments. This will surely boost my numbers on Substack because fragments are in style now.

Along with short paragraphs.

It’s like being in the third grade.

I’m grateful that I’m not in a Senior Living home with a roommate who keeps the television on Fox News.

I’m grateful not to ever have a television on.

I’m grateful not to be married to a guy who watches sports on TV, although yelling at an inanimate object is kind of cute in a crazy-person way.

I’m grateful that 50% of my adult children still speak to me.

I’m grateful not to be on a “Family Plan” for any expense.

I’m grateful that 50% of. my dogs are housetrained.

I’m grateful that I have unintentionally begun to understand Russian names.

I’m grateful to have finally reached the age where it is appropriate to be a curmudgeon.

You can’t really blame a hag for anything.